Before I begin this post, I want to make it very clear that I am in no way homophobic or anti-homosexual. I have an awesome co-worker who is an openly gay man. He is a fun & funny guy who throws the best parties, is fun to go out dancing with, and I like him a lot. Actually I told him I want him to be my BFF at his last party hahaha!
February 12, 2013 was the Narcissist’s first message to me on the dating website. I made sure to ask him if he was truly single. I have blocked married and attached men from contacting me…that’s another story altogether. He stated that he was, in fact, single. So we chatted a bit and exchanged photos.
After sending 3 of my photos, his response was, “You’re very pretty and looks like you dress well. Nice make up and nails too.” (I’ll call that Clue #1) I responded politely with, “Thank you. I take pride in my appearance.” The conversation continued with:
Him: “You’re welcome. It’s obvious you take pride. I do the same. Do you wear nice shoes?” (Clue #2)
We continued chatting that day and he stated that we seemed “well suited for each other”. RED FLAG in online dating – you cannot determine that till you actually meet in person, and I was busy at work, so I did not respond to that statement.
We continued to chat through the next few days and he asked, “Would you like to explore the opportunity for fwb relationship?” My response was “What would you like to do when we meet?”
Him: “Since we want friends 1st I think dinner would be good. You?”
Wow, finally a rare man who understands the “F” part of FWB. He actually wants to be a friend. He’s not all about sex.
Me: “That’s a great plan…dinner and lots of conversation!”
3 days later he sent a message “Hi. Ran into an old girlfriend this weekend and we are going to try and work some things out. Sorry.”
Me: “Alrighty then. Good luck.” Anyone who knows me, knows that I do NOT say “alrighty then”. It was my attempt at being sarcastic without being bitchy.
The very next day, he messaged me, “Are you hiding?” ME: “I am hiding. Why?” HIM: “I don’t see you in matches or viewed me.” ME: “I’m tired of dealing with the bullshit on this site. I take a break every now and then when it gets frustrating.” HIM: “I have another profile on here that I’m taking a break from also.”
So I decide to clarify… Me: “So you’re going out with a former girlfriend?”
Him: “Yes. Gotta go for now…chat soon.”
Ok, so WTF?! He has 2 different profiles…RED FLAG –> HE’S A PLAYER. Oh and the fact that he’s still talking with me when he’s back together with the girlfriend…most definitely a player!
No contact for 3 days and then he sends a message “Hey, how are you?”
My sarcastic comeback, “Living the dream. You?”
Him: “Wish I could say the same, but I’m alright.”
Me: “That was heavy on the sarcasm. Hahaha”
Him: “I thought it might be…so we are the same. Except you are much sexier than me.”
Me: “What about the girlfriend?” (That he just decided to get back together with 4 days prior to this conversation)
Him: “She is alright…its always been kinda shaky…she lives an hour away from me.”
Me: “I wouldn’t accept a shaky relationship. I’ll never settle for anything again.”
No response until 2 days later… Him: “Took your advice…no girlfriend.”
Me: “What happened?”
Him: “She felt my house is too manly. Asked that I sell it…that would be crazy.”
Me: “She’s ballsy.”
Him: “She’s history. I bought a house and decorated it with my taste…which I feel is impeccable…and I am proud of it. First time I did something my way. And I don’t feel its too manly.”
Me: “The first time a man tells me what to do is the last time he does.”
Him: “Don’t be a man hater. I don’t mind some friendly advice but she got too pushy.”
Me: “I’m not a man hater. I was with a control freak for 23 years of my life.”
Him: “I was married for 24 years.”
Me: “How was your marriage?”
Him: “I had some affairs to make up for what was missing at home. We stayed together for the kids…so we thought…the kids are fine.” (YEP, CHEATER!!!)
Me: “My marriage was lonely but there was no infidelity.”
Then there was small talk about children and I mentioned that I had an adult daughter who is an only child. He had the nerve to ask me if she was spoiled. Why do people assume that only children are spoiled?? This irritated me. He has a lot of nerve telling me what to do (“don’t be a man hater”) and then asking me if she’s spoiled…At this point I was ready to tell him to take a flying leap off a giant cliff, but for my sick sense of entertainment, I kept chatting.
He was “putting on some St. Patrick’s day window clings” that evening (Clue #3).
Why do I torture myself so? I foolishly gave him my number so we could text. 2 days of texting and his corny jokes just assured me that I’m a moron for continuing any kind of contact with this strange ranger.
Now I’m just adding some random texts to show more evidence of my suspicion that this dude needs to come out of the closet…
Him: “I think I have a thong to wear here somewhere.” (Clue #4)
Me: “A man thong?” I refrained from adding “WTF?!”
Him: “Friday is story book day. My daughter is going as peter (teehee) cottontail.” (Clue #5 – SERIOUSLY who laughs at the word “Peter” and whose laugh is “teehee”???)
Then strange ranger proceeds to send me a text that says “Wanna have a snowball fight?” with this picture attached:
To which I respond: “I love that bucket of snowballs. I almost bought one for Christmas.”
Him: “I waited until after Christmas. They were half price. I like Hallmark stores and candles. No homo.” (Clue #6)
“I have a rewards card. No homo.”
“I get emotional sometimes reading and picking cards. ”
“Why am I telling you this?”
Me: “What is ‘no homo’ for?”
Him: “I’m not gay. Like saying Daniel Craig is a very handsome man. No homo.”
“I’m average weight and keep a pretty clean house…doesn’t make me gay.”
To quote Shakespeare ‘Me thinks he doth protest too much.’
Me: “Who said you were?”
Him “No one. Guess I like certain things other men don’t.”
“I have a couple bikinis. White, black, black with skulls I think.”
OH MY IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER…I’m way amused at this point. Plus I’m ready to shout, “Come out of the closet already!”
The next day we’re discussing football, which he only listens to on the radio. He doesn’t watch on the games on tv because he doesn’t “like the network people that call the games. Sorry I’m weird and particular.” NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!
6 days into texting strange ranger we began discussing our relationships with our respective ex-spouses… Him: “How do you get along with him? I get along with my ex because of our kids.”
Me: “We’re still trying to finalize the divorce… 3 1/2 years later. Daughter is grown so I’d rather just not even talk to him.”
Him: “So you are not divorced yet? We were divorced in 6 months. What’s the hold up?”
Me: “He didn’t want me to get any of his retirement or investments so we ‘fought’ over that and went to a master’s conference in September…his attorney never drew up the paperwork until 3 weeks ago (5 months after the conference) and my attorney revised the wording in an office conference with me. Still waiting for paperwork to be drawn up for comprehensive settlement agreement so I can finally sign… My ex is petty…he loves money more than our daughter.”
Him: “That sucks. He doesn’t have his priorities straight.” (YEAH, NO KIDDING…HENCE THE REASON I’M DIVORCING HIM!) “Sorry I don’t want to meet anyone who is still attached. Get your divorce already.”
Oh shit…I was beyond pissed at this point…ready to tell him to go fuck himself, but I kept my composure.
Me: “How can you speed it up if the attorneys are the ones holding it up?”
Him: “You have shitty attorneys.”
Me: “You have no clue.”
Him: Adding fuel to my already burning-out-of-control fire: “Cheap. Cheap.”
Him: “Maybe. Get divorced and we can talk.”
Ok, now I’m furious… Me: “Ummmmm hello…weren’t you the one who just got back together with a girlfriend? Oh and also unfaithful during your marriage? Seriously wtf? And p.s. you’re not the only man on the planet. And I have 2 words for any man who tells ME what to do… FUCK OFF!”
12 hours later his lame response was “That was sassy.”
4 days later…from his THIRD profile on the dating website “Sorry to have offended you. I apologize. Bohemian Rhapsody.” (which makes reference to my headline on my profile).
My response: “Puddle of Mud” (Meaning the song “She fucking hates me”) “Is $250 an hour for an attorney cheap? I’m up to over $5,500 now…not cheap by any means.”
My point has been made…I will have no further contact with this weird & particular, narcissistic, effeminate prick. He can fuck right the fuck off. Oh and before that, he should come out of the fucking closet already.